On WritingisWar: Naming My Journey
Folks are fascinated by my artistic handle, "WritingisWar." Here is the origin of that name. CW: suicidal thoughts.
What’s in a name?
Naming is something that interests me. In fact, a running theme in Ghost River is the utility of names as a form of identity, and also a mechanism of control.
We’re called names, nick names, or bad names. We’re given a name at birth and told that name is “who we are” for the rest of our lives. It’s our reference point in the universe. The one thing we carry along with us from birth to grave. Our looks, thoughts, and spirits change along the way…but our names typically do not.
So…when we give ourselves a name, we exert power over our identities. We reclaim some agency and take control of our representation in this reality.
Why do this? Lots of reasons.
Here’s mine:
Roughly 6 years ago, I gave up on whoever I was for 34 years.
After 20+ years of self-perceived failure in becoming the person and artist I wanted to be, I decided to take my own life. I’d had enough with the swallowing depression, the anxiety, the bad habits, and my steady inability to function and FEEL anything meaningful. I had reached the end of the road and what laid beyond was empty.
While my son laid in the crib in the next room, crying, I sat on the edge of my bed with a fistful of pills. I stared ahead, into a dirty mirror, and did not recognize the man that looked back at me. He was a villain, empty and joyless.
I wanted to see him die. He was a failure at everything except for self-destruction and sabotage. Although I did not recognize him, or what he became, I knew his name. Where he was born. What his parents looked like. His second grade school teacher’s face. The way he looked naked. I knew his name.
Wanting to forget it, to expunge it from reality, I looked at his sad, broken eyes. Killing this wounded animal was a mercy, I thought, while my beloved son mewled.
In that moment, as I toppled into that sad reflection, the pills in my hands suddenly became too heavy to hold, the sound of my son’s breaking voice to shrill to hear, and there was a severance that occurred. A snap! that I felt shake my core.
And, the disconnect happened in the nick of time.
As the pills sprinkled over carpet, I felt myself let go of my name. The death of what I was and had always been did not (thankfully) end in fatherless children.
Renouncing my name, that sick person I was, saved my life and restored my agency. No longer a victim of an identity I could no longer carry, I felt FREE.
I chose to no longer be that sad man in the mirror. I refused to associate my existence with him any longer. I forgot his name.
The divorce was final, severe, and necessary. If I was to be on this Earth a moment longer, then it would be as who and what I wanted to be.
So…I needed a new fucking name. One that would demonstrate my commitment to uncovering my true and empowered voice. I wanted to embrace the life and path I yearned for. I wanted to be a goddamn writer again, a pursuit that I ran away from after immolating my career and opportunities over time.
But I had nothing to start from! I had been out of practice, had little discipline to relearn the craft, and a metric fuckton of skeletons in my closet that needed bulk trash removal. I felt like a surrounded soldier, alone on a battlefield with only few bullets left in his rifle, as a horde of shadows and monsters frenzied up the hill to snuff me out.
If there was a bottom floor, “WritingisWar” was born in the basement.
That became my name for the next few years. I never shared another one. It was my battle cry against my own struggles to fight and fight some more for my dreams.
WritingisWar became me. It empowered me. It signified the struggle, the violence, the defeats and victories of my inner journey to become a writer again. Before then, I did not know what I was, except that the sad man in the mirror was not really me. WiW helped capture the identity I wanted and the true inner voice of my artistic self.
Many people mistake my creative name as some sort of antagonistic thinking toward writing as craft. They say, “Writing is joy! Writing is happiness! Writing should never be war, or you AREN’T DOING IT RIGHT!”
I can only chuckle at this, because A) WritingisJoy is a pretty fucking lame name, and B) more importantly, they don’t understand what it means to me.
WritingisWar is my journey, my name, the battle against my own inner demons, and the lifetime pursuit of uncovering my true voice through storytelling and art.
For me, that is a battle worth having, the reason I breathe, and one that I embrace every day when I return to the realm of consciousness to play again.
I’ve given myself that name, and with it, something better to be.
<3
Ghost River Born in Barbed-Wire Edition
Order Your Copy! Time’s Running Out!
The ultimate Edition of Ghost River, signed and numbered by me is now available for order directly from Lost Boys Press. I’ve long been fascinated with hardcovers, but with printing and distribution hurdles and costs, they’re hardly economical, so I wanted to make a special one for collectors and hardcore fans.
This edition includes:
a custom-designed dust jacket featuring original cover art by Micah Chaim Thomas, full author photo, and extra goodies on the dust jack flaps
the art on the hardcover boards is done by me, and the Born Barbed Wire Edition of Ghost River includes no content warning (as intended). Instead a “Salvation is Suffering” signature page, where I’ve signed and numbered each book.
To see all of the goodies and pictures, visit the Lost Boys Press Bookstore.
Please note, you can order this edition until the end of February 2021 and then orders will be closed. Besides some copies I decide to vault for myself, it will not be available again to the public and definitely not at this price.
How to Write a Killer Novel w/Chad Ryan
I’m having a blast teaching a FREE course on writing a novel (from start to finish) at the Lost Boys Press Academy. Anybody can enroll and walk through the story creation process with me, step by step. To see a full syllabus and to start watching lessons, you can ENROLL in the academy and work through the material at your pace!
I figured it would be a meaningful way to give back to the writing community that has given so much to me over the last few years. So, yeah, no cost. BUT, if you do find some value and would like to tip me, you can. All proceeds go toward Lost Boys Press and our mission to grow and delivers amazing titles to readers.
CHIMERA is COMING!
Speaking of Lost Boys Press, our first anthology, CHIMERA is now available for pre-order (e-book) on Amazon. In it, 10 talented writers weave tales of miraculous monsters that will tear into your imagination!
If you’re a short fiction fan, you’ll want this one in your collection.
CHIMERA releases on 3/25/21 (worldwide).
E-Book presale is live here:
Physical copies and Kindle Unlimited available on 3/25/21!
Mark your calendars! The beasts are breaking free!
Thanks for reading, friends. Without you, everything falls apart.
-Chad